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Sex Question


Hello: I have a problem, a BIG one, I have been married for 20 yrs now and myself and my wife have for the most part had a good sex life but for the past few years sex hasn’t been the greatest and I am sure that has to do with her going through the “change” as she has told me, so I have dealt with it as best a I know how, when we are having sex I have heard her say things like “please hurry up” under her breath of course and other subtle things that have made me feel like she isn’t interested, now I have read about a lot of men having the same problem so I know I am not alone in this BUT lately we have been working on it but my head is screwed up I am having trouble cumming and I know its in my head, I cant get the thoughts out I.E. is she enjoying herself, does she even want to do it, etc…, how do I get back to being the stud I was, it makes me mad that I am a healthy 40 yr old man, my penis works, I am good looking but I cant make love to her anymore and I am not the cheating type so I feel like I am trapped, am I being clear on this? am I just being an idiot? or is this thing in my head real?, help me out. I am getting tired of it. Thank you.


First of all, congratulations on being married for so long. You and your wife must be doing something right! Now, regarding your sex life, I can tell you that your problem is quite common. Usually, a couple’s sex life is great in the beginning, then tends to taper off over time. This can be due to a number of factors. For instance, the initial excitement of “love” often diminishes, the daily stress of life happens, and we all get older.

As a couple’s sex life declines, other psychological factors may come into play. For example, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, stress, worry, guilt, depression, and even boredom can lead to performance issues. In your case, it appears that your negative thoughts about whether or not you are pleasing your wife may be affecting your sexual experience. The psychological term for this is “performance anxiety.” When a man is worried too much about pleasing his partner, he cannot relax and become aroused himself, which of course impacts his ability to achieve and/or maintain an erection. Rather than focusing so much on how well you will perform, it is important for you to relax and enjoy yourself as well.

Having good communication with your partner is the key to a happy and healthy sexual relationship. Talking openly and honestly about what pleases you sexually and listening to your partner’s desires is a good way to start. Empathy, patience, and compromise are important elements in successfully communicating with each other about such a delicate matter. In some cases, seeking the assistance of a therapist can be beneficial. Having a mediator present can help diffuse any tension and ease difficulties partners may have communicating their feelings to each other. If psychological causes to your difficulties are not identified, then a medical problem may exist which should be investigated.

Response by Dr. Ray S. Kim

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This post was submitted by Thomas.