Dr Kennelly and Associates logo
"Finding solutions...together"
Business picture

dont know what else to do

Question: I have struggled all my life with trying to have healthy relationships, but i keep failing over and over. I had ten years of intense therapy with an excellent psychologist. I healed, improved, and changed many things within myself and in my life. The psychologist i was seeing told me during the process of therapy that i was her hardest client but also the one who did the most work and made the most improvement. It has been over two years since i stopped therapy with her. her and i are now friends–she had to ethically wait two years. So much has happened these two years and like a slap in the face i realize that the number one thing that i needed to resolve – and gave my heart and soul to resolve for ten years- has not at all been resolved. This one thing: to be able to have healthy close relationships. I cant go back to therapy with the psychologist because now were friends. When that happens, you just cannot go back to the relationship you had before. I have been withdrawing more and more from people these last couple of months because I don’t want to hurt people anymore. When i start feeling close to someone, it is like a switch gets flipped in my brain and everything changes inside. when this happens, i become very destructive in my relations and nothing anybody says gets through to me. My whole perceptions of people and situations changes in a very destructive extreme way. Then, when the switch flips back, my perceptions get clear again. I become extremely depressed , because then i can see how screwed up my perceptions were and have the fallout to deal with– the damage i have done to my relationships. I don’t know what else to do but to become a hermit. I cannot handle hurting one more person- one more relationship-or myself on more time!!!!! I have struggled and worked on this my whole life. I gave my heart and soul to resolving this in intense therapy. And here i am back at square one!! I must have some major defect in my brain, because i have honestly done everything i know to do.

Answer: You are not alone. Most of the clients I see are also looking for healthy relationships. Without knowing more about you, it is difficult to tell you exactly why you are having problems maintaining healthy close relationships. However, I do know that expectations have quite a bit to do with whether a relationship works or not. The men you have dated in the past may have had different expectations than yours in what a relationship is supposed to be like. You may become disappointed or even hurt when your partner does not treat you the way you think he should. If you try to change him to fit your expectations, he may resist, which usually leads to tension and conflict. For relationships to succeed, couples need to work at understanding the differences in each other. Rather than blaming each other for these differences and trying to change each other so much, sometimes we need to accept each other more instead. This takes conscious effort, commitment, and sacrifice. We all have the potential for healthy relationships. If we are more aware of our behaviors and why we behave the way we do, we are better able to have the healthy close relationships that we seek.

Response by Dr. Ray S. Kim

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 9.2/10 (19 votes cast)
dont know what else to do, 9.2 out of 10 based on 19 ratings

This post was submitted by Bettie.

Monday, May 31st, 2010 at 21:44